Emma walked into
the school
prepared to handle the day. She wore her black tights with her
favourite blue loose shirt and to top it off a brown knitted cardigan, she had
bought recently. She walked through the hallways with a smile on her face, the
brightest one she could make.
Emma saw some of
her friends near her locker. They all had looked over at her and smiled. Once
she reached them they all started to talk about the new gossip in the school.
She laughed along with them but she longed to be somewhere else. She looked at
each of her friends faces, her face wondering. She looked down at herself for a
moment as if contemplating if something that was extremely important.
She reached for her
sleeves subconsciously, a gesture she had gotten used to in the recent months.
She often wore long sleeves, using the excuse that she was cold. She never lied
about it, she was cold. Even though the winter months had just passed and the
spring weather was warm enough to wear shorter clothes. She was cold, her body
felt cold to the touch.
Her friend, Jenny,
had called her name. She wasn't sure how long she was calling her but when she
looked up to see her friend's face only a few inches away from hers, she had
known it was for a quite some time.
“Come on, let’s get
to class” she hooked her arm into Emma’s and started to gently drag her to
their first period.
As Emma sat in
class she was staring outside the window. The sun was shining and was starting
to pour in through the glass. The light blinded her, making her yearn to be
away from it but she stayed not asking to change spots with another person in
the class. Something about being surrounded by that light was comforting even
though she knew that feeling will be gone soon enough.
Soon lunch had
come. She walked with her friends to the school’s cafeteria. The food wasn’t
bad but it made her stomach churn. She hadn't eaten it but the smell of it was
unsettling. She never often ate lunch, she felt it was a waste of time. When
her mother tried to pack her a lunch she’ll simply leave it at home.
As Emma and her
friends sat there they talked some more. A girl in the corner of the room was
crying. From their distance they were able to hear it. Part of Emma wanted to
comfort the girl but she sat still.
“That’s pathetic.
If she’s going to cry she should do it somewhere else” One of her friends had
said. Emma had gone completely still waiting to hear more.
“I know right. She
probably does at home.” The girls laughed but Emma stayed quiet.
“Isn't she the girl
who caught her boyfriend cheating on her” another laugh but this time Emma
chuckled too but her urge to comfort the girl strengthened.
“I don’t even
understand how she got a boyfriend. She’s just so fat” another laugh.
Emma sat there
knowing there’s no way to escape her friends. They were harsh and cruel but
they were all she had. She sat there watching them eat their food. Jenny had
offered her some but she had refused. Pulling on her cardigan making sure the
sleeves hadn't fallen.
She went to her
next class and felt more of a relief. None of her friends were in her afternoon
classes. She sat in the classroom not listening to the teacher. Her hands came
up to lightly scratch her arms before she winced.
The final bell rang
and a rush of relief had washed over her. She hurried to her locker to grab her
bag, pushing any of the books she didn't need back into her locker. She swung
her bag onto her back and looked back down. She smiled slightly as if she
accomplished something, then headed straight for the exit.
She met Jenny at
the corner store near the school. Jenny had insisted on buying candy after
school. They walked into the store and saw some of the other kids from her
school were there.
Emma and Jenny
walked out of the store with a bag full of candy. Jenny was complaining about
one of her afternoon teachers. Emma was barely listening most of her attention
was focus on keeping her urges down. She looked around, noting she was close to
her house. She was almost relieved at the thought but that relief was
extinguished by the thought of what laid ahead of her.
They had reached
Jenny's house, which was a few minute walk away from Emma's house. They had
hugged then waved farewell.
Emma walked down
the side-walk, keeping her eyes off the few passing cars. She could hear them as
they passed by her. She pulled out her phone and stuck her headphones in her
ears as she pressed play.
The music deafening
to the ear but relaxing. The lyrics resonating with how she felt at the moment.
The song changed and so did the speed she walked. Time seemed to slow and the
minutes seemed to pass like hours. Each song was a story and each story had
represented a fragment of her feelings.
She tugged on her
cardigan again as another car passed by her. She was close to her house but it
felt so far, so foreign to her. Her body started to sag, her footsteps slowing
even more in pace. Her entire being knew what laid ahead and wasn't pleased by
it.
She reached the
driveway and looked up at the house. She lived there for years, yearning for
her release from the place. The house seemed cold as if no family lived there.
She walked into the
house sighing from the knowledge of what’s to come. No one was home at the
moment. Her mother worked and wouldn't be home until six in the evening and her
father was normally never home until the late into the night. Emma had no
siblings, she was an only child.
She sat in her
living room, enjoying the fact that she was home alone. She knew that once her
father stepped through the door all of her peace would be gone.
She sat there for
quite some time before she heard the front door open. She scrambled to get to
her room before he saw her. Her
heartbeat was fast and she frightened.
"Get me a
beer" her father yelled from the living room, he had saw her right before
she got out of the room.
She rushed to the
kitchen and grabbed the beer from the fridge. It was cold to the touch and sent
a shiver down her spine. She walked back to the living room in a hurry. She
handed the man she knew as her father the drink.
He grabbed the beer
and turned on the TV, switched it to the sports channel. She waiting in fear
until he showed her off.
She ran up to her
room and locked the door. Her breath short and uneven as she clenched at her
chest. She should've felt relieved but she was more afraid, scared and
unsure. She glanced at the clock on the
desk near her bed. Her mother should've been back by that time.
She walked towards
the window and saw her mother's car pull up in the driveway. She watched as her
mother's face fell onto her hands on the steering wheel. She stayed like that
for a moment before she finally got out of the car. Emma watched her mother
take out a few bags from the trunk of the car before she travelled up to the
front door.
Emma knew what was
going to happen, it happened every day. She laid on her bed and heard her
mother's voice. The yelling was normal for her, Emma had gotten used to it in
the recent months. She pushed her headphones in her ears and tried to drown out
the voices by the beat of the music. She soon fell asleep to the sound of the
drums.
Emma's mother had
woken her up by knocking on her door a few times. Emma had gotten out of bed
and looked down at herself. She pulled down the sleeves of her cardigan before
she stepped out of her room.
She saw her mother
put food on the table and wave her hand as a way to inform her to sit down. She
stared at the food with cold eyes. She felt her stomach churn and she tried her
best not to show her disgust.
"I'll eat in
my room" Emma grabbed her plate and headed back to her room. She locked
the door behind her and placed the plate of food on her desk. She sat on her
bed debating what to do, she looked at the food and her face finally showed the
disgust she felt. She grabbed the plate and scrapped all the food in the
garbage can near her door, making a mental note to throw it out later. She
placed the plate back on the desk and sat on her bed.
END #1
Emma stared at the
mirror across from her bed. She saw herself and started to think. That's when
it started. She stayed still for some time. The sun started to disappear from
the sky and she knew she was done. She knew she won't survive the night. She
felt herself let go. She felt her eyes start to water and her breath shorten.
She clenched at her chest as the tears fell down her cheeks.
Once the sun had
fully set, she had given up completely. The darkness had finally consumed her.
END #2
The sun was
starting to set when she finally moved. Emma had headed into the bathroom that
was across from her room. Once she entered she locked the door and undressed.
Emma made sure the water was warm to the touch. She entered the shower and the
water drenched her.
The water should've
soothed her but it had burned. It had burned when it came into contact with the
fresh skin. She closed her eyes and tried not to let it affect her. She
showered quickly then headed as fast as possible to her room and locked the
door.
She slipped on her
sleeping shorts and a shirt. Only when she was in her room by herself would she
show this much skin. She looked into the mirror with disgust at what she saw.
She stared at all the scars on her skin. They covered her body, from her arms
to her legs.
Emma tried to
recall what her skin looked like before all of this but that was so long ago
that she had forgotten. She started to
hold her stomach and she felt its emptiness. She hadn't eaten in two days. Her
last meal had been small, she only ate because her mother had made her go eat
dinner with her and her friends.
Emma smiled as she
looked at the outline of her body. She hated eating, it made her feel fat
whenever something entered her stomach. She felt as if each time she ate the
food it would make her even fatter than she was.
She remember what
happened earlier that day. She remembered the girl's cries and her friends'
comments. She looked at her body and she started to feel discontent.
My thighs are too fat.
I can't see my shoulder blades yet.
I can't see my ribs yet.
I can't see my bones yet.
She started to cry
at the thought. She started it rip at her skin as if trying to tear it off all
the fat on her body. She was mad at herself for not being skinnier, for being
so fat.
She went to sit on
her bed hoping it'll help.
You're ugly and fat, no wonder he dumped you.
She started to sob
harder. She knew what was happening. Her thoughts weren't her own, it was as if
something was inside her, controlling her.
No one will ever love you if you look like that
She was crying and
gasping for air. She hated how much truth was behind the voice. With her
shaking hands she opened her drawer.
She cried as the
blood dripped down her arm. She watched as it fell onto the sheets of her bed.
He never loved you.
Her vision became
blurred, covered in red all over. She couldn't see her skin anymore, her entire
body was engraved in red.
Emma cried harder
than she ever had before. She wanted it to end, to have all the pain disappear.
She stopped crying
and stared at herself in the mirror. Emma could see her eyes were red and her
face flushed from the lack of oxygen. She clenched at the spot where her heart
was as it beat so loud that she felt the sound was bouncing of the walls of her
room. In the distance she could hear the faint hiccup-like breaths coming from
her mouth.
Emma looked down to
see what she had done. Her arms and thighs covered in blood. She knew she
couldn't handle it any more. She knew the pain had to end. She looked into her
eyes in the mirror once more and knew there was no more point. The light that
once was there was already gone, it had been gone for a long time now.
Emma knew she was
just a walking corpse; Death had already taken her soul. She was just a body
now walking the Earth.
Emma laid in her
bed as she felt the light drain out her eyes. Hoping her wish to end it all had
finally been granted.
Author's note.
~~~Please do not be sad, I wanted to write a story which shows the harsh reality of people who do this to themselves. Most people don't realize that this is how most suicidal people feel, how people with all these mental illnesses feel inside. I should know, my two best friends have depression and I see them go through this. One of them more serious then the other but both are diagnosed with depression. It hurts me to see them struggle but they are so strong because they resist the urge to finally let it end. I hope after reading this you'll understand that depression, self-harm, anorexia, or any mental illness isn't a joke. That people with anorexia aren't the people who are skinny enough to see their bones but the ones who barely eat all day, who worry about gaining a pound, who calculate their calories like crazy. People who self-harm don't do it to get attention, they either do it because they think they deserve it or because the physical pain helps cope with the mental pain. All of this isn't a joke. ~~~~
Thank You For Reading My Story.
